one more time

Faith

it was so lovely to talk to you

I didnt really think about it until tonight...
but this will be the last thing that you will read
until you are here...with me

Im not really sure what Im supposed do now...
I've become so used to writing you everynight...
wait...
Ill be able to call you.
and maybe...sometime...
come home to you...
thank God.

I should save this...
so we can show it to our children
to prove to them we weren't always old...
(your mother wrote me the sexiest e-mail last night)

Im glad this part is over Faith...
but I have to say
I don't either of us will soon forget
the summer we fell in love.

please be safe.
I need to see you again.

I will be in the Airport to meet you.
I love you.

all the kings horses

that phonecall just told me that
I have to work in the morning...
so instead of going out...
Im going to bed.

but I can't sleep without
having written you...
it turns out...
I also can't sleep when
I know I have an e-mail from you...
Ill admit...
I've been up at 4 a few times to read them.

Im so glad your home this Monday.
I love you!
so many thing happened today
that made me realize how
silly lucky I am.

yes, we shall live in Berlin...
Ive planned it out...
whatever our next trip is
we shall fly into Frankfurt first
rent an apartment in Berlin
for the month
and then fly out to whereever it
is that we're going.
(Iran, South Africa, Turkey...whereever)
yes, I know...
I am both wise and terrible.

breakfast inappropriate was most interesting
but it would be improper for me to say
more about it here...
it will cost you no less than 7 kisses to have
me divulge this most interesting of events.

sigh.
it will be so nice have you here...
so I can stop drinking peach ice-tea...

I will call you tonight...
but Im hoping that your going out
so if I cant get ahold of you
Ill try again your next morning

I have also...
decided that if we are not headed
straight back to saskatoon
we should pretend we are...
I have a double date Id like
to avoid at all cost.

G-d looks at the heart faith...
and mine thinks we'll be together forever.

I read alot of Harry Potter in this chair... 

the astro clock 

the source

babe,

I know this is short...
but you have an e-mail from me too...
I think we both know
that too many people read this.

Here are a few more pictures too!

maja and my aunt 

my mother at masters games 

sigh along

its national something something day
which means I didnt have to...anything...today

Im reading this book, this Gurdieff book...
I like it, he writes alot like Garcia-Marquez,
except his stories are supposed to be true...

I wrote replies to both your brother and
your parents today...
I hope they know that nervousness
makes people say stupid things...

Lots of people want to know if we're engaged now...
and I have to tell them, that no, we are not...
and that (sigh) it will probably not happen
for a long time...
its like they think its not normal to skip across
an ocean for a girl you're just casually dating ;)

we had to tell my mother today that Cheryl Sauer had died...
Im not sure if you remember me talking about her
several months back...
she was young, and had cancer...
a little less than a year ago my mother had tried to hire
her at the store...
several days later she received the news that
she was no longer in remission...
mom had talked to her last week...
and had meant to go and visit her...
we didnt tell her while she was gone...
I guess we thought it best...
today though, when she was sorting through the papers
we all remembered that her obituary was there...
we had saved it for her...
it showed cheryl with the long curly hair she'd had
before the radiation treatment...
and talked about how she had held on so long...
not for herself, but for the people she loved...
so I told her...and she broke down and cried...

what a horrible thing
to feel powerless
to help those that you love...

I feel the same thing with you sometimes...
when I hear that you;ve been crying in
front of strangers.

but I guess I can try...

Faith, we are in love!
and together I know
that we have a chance at a
life that most people could
only dream about...
(I dont just mean the adventures...
but I do think we should have a sailboat)
I am yours babe...
and you are everything Ive ever hoped for.

and if thats not worth smiling about...
know that I will buy you any kind
of ice-cream you want when you get home.

do you think that shar'ee (sp?)
would let me call her cell-phone?
I seem to recall that it wouldnt cost her
anything...I know its hard for you to ask such things...
but would I ever love to hear your voice.

j

waiting for my halo

I couldnt not write you again...
I just missed you too much today...
I can't tell you...
what I would give...
to wake up tomorrow morning and
have you beside me.

I've posted a few more picture too...
most of the photos I took are of you
(your beautiful, even when you make funny faces)
but there are a few others that are not awful.
(they scanned abit light, Ill get prints made of the best ones)
Ill try and post a few of them over this week.

really faith,
I dont want to spend another second without you.
this week could not go fast enough.

I love you so very much

charles bridge - this is the only one of the night pictures I didnt
ruin when I opened up the camera

prague 

you are so cute 

prague 

best concert ever 

you owe me a dance

faith!

I miss you so much!

Last night was probably
the best summer night I've had
without you...
it just made me miss you more.

the folk festival is in town,
and I left work early to go.

We sat on the grass
and stranger talked...
I threw some grass at Kate
(shes the one that cut my hair off!)
which escalated quickly into an all
out grass throwing fight...
yes...I am a child..

Sarah Slean was playing when we first arrived.
I love her voice, and she was funny and intelligent.
(she advised children not to read kierkegaard alone in cabins)
it was a wonderful concert...
and as we sat eating much delayed japanese food
I thought it might be the best I'd see that day.

When Sarah Harmer came on we rushed the stage...
The immaculate Danny Michel had stayed on to play
lead guitar for her...
it was incredible...being so close...
around 10.30 she started to play this slow waltzy song...
we grabbed some random people...
and slow danced under the perfect prairie sky.
The only thing that kept this from being one of the best moments ever...
is that you weren't the the girl I was dancing with.

sigh.

it was without a doubt the 2nd best concert I have ever seen.

really, I dont know if Ill ever see another another show
like that Sigur Ros concert...
it wasnt just the music...it was looking at you...
and knowing
without doubt
that we were in love.

gah!

come home!
(in 8 days)

Im having a lazy day today.
Ill do some reading...
and maybe...if Im feeling brave...
some writing.

I love you.
There are 104 senators.

Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

so Kenn says me today:

"my grandfather punched William Shatner in the head"

I liked it even more because it was true.

I have to brag about my mother abit...
World Masters Games was this last weekend...
she won 3 medals and nice writeup in the paper...
for someone that couldnt stop talking about
how she wasnt it shape...
I think its pretty damn cool that there is only
one person in the world her age that can swim the 800m faster.

I was joking about the shaving thing...
not about the actual shaving part...
but about the thinking that you might not love me anymore...
I would hope so...
during our 50+ years together Im bound to lose some!
I just thought it was hilarious that my mom would say so...
sometimes she says such un-mom things.
you get used to it.

I had seriously considered
not sending you the e-mail I sent out.
I wrote it very quickly
(I put "your" instead of "you're again)
and there were somethings in it that
I would have rather you not read.

specifically the end, which implied
that a good number of my friends
didnt approve of me coming to see you...
my friends love you faith...
because they've met you...
or because they've seen how much I love you...

is it 9 days now?
when I start to think about all
the time we're going to have to
spend away from one another
over the next few years...
sigh.
I try not to think about it...
to think instead...
about how wonderful the rest
of this year will be.
Even just to be able to call you
when I want to!

I have to be up early...
so I should get to dreaming.
Ill write about tomorrow.

j

prague 

berlin 

track 4

faith,

my mother has informed me
that I should let you know that I have
shaved my head,
and then ask if you still love me.

its true, and I cant even tell you
why I did it...I suppose I have reasons...
most of which were good...

I have to say that I am a relatively
good-looking bald man...
but Ill let it grow out again...
especially because my mother informs
me that you may not love me because of it.

I wanted to write you this long narrative
about this past weekend...
but really...now it doesnt seem that interesting...
in short.
I spent the night in Banff.
Went to the Banff Springs...
remember that women that was playing
Jazz the night we were there together?
She was there, and I wandered the same route
that we did with my cohorts...
odd to think about how much has changed since
that night.

We broke into some places and slept on the roof.
Good times.

Its strange to be relied on...
odd to have people that depend on you...
frightening really...
I don't generally feel up to it...

really though, I cant wait to be back there.

I also had alot of things that I wanted to mention
politics wise...but Im much rather talk to you about
them in person...let me just say...

that I believe there was a reasons for Afghanistan...
both from a military strategic standpoint,
and from an economic standpoint.
Conspiricy theorists (who are sometimes right)
will talk about an american old company called Unocal
that had been seeking to build a pipeline through
the Afghan countryside for years, from the rich Turkmenistan
oil fields to the Pakistani Border....
the taliban was having none of it...
but it was approved soon after Karzai goverment took power...
and a former consultant for Unocal was named
the US special envoy.

I say this though really because I think its interesting...
I think you know that I agree with both wars faith...
for much different reasons than your friend...
the hard fact is that in this world (and maybe others)
for any large events to happen there generally have
to be several (sometimes conflicting) motives behind it.
Good Men must work with Bad Men.
Idealists must work with Criminals.
Its the nature of the system...and it means that most
international actions are round compromises.

There is no doubt in my mind though that the US
is seeking to gather as much influence as it can...
that they are seeking to extend the horizon of their empire...
in space, and therefore...time

(as a side note, there is a very interesting article in this months Harper's
about the American misinterpretation of Christs message...that the
majority of them believe that the bible teaches
"G-d helps those who help themselves")

As for the structure of the Canadian Government...
its abit complicated.
the Queen is our head of State...
she techinically appoints our prime minister
on the advice of the prime minister she appoints
the governor general who acts as her representative.
We do not have true representational goverment...
and one of the bodies of our parliament (the senate)
is composed of appointed officials.
and our MPs are elected in a system similar to
the electoral college to the south.
The house of commons and the senate act very much
like house of representatives and the senate in the U.S.
Our constituition gives the Prime Minister much more
potential power than the president.

Im not really sure what you were asking.
But is this close? I can go into more detail if you like.

I really hadnt thought about what we would do when you arrived.
I have a very large group of people that would like to meet you...
but I think that we can save most of them...if not all of them...for another time.
I think it might be best for you if we went to saskatoon that night.
It would be nice for you to sleep in your own bed...
and I know you have
things to do.
Are you sure its wise
that I come home with you? ;)

I miss you faith.
I'm so looking forward to
the time we'll get to spend together.
(you know...if you can get over the hair thing)

I love you

trepidation of the spheres

this is a place-holder e-mail...
which I apoligize for...
but again
Im just so tired faith...
kats alarm went off at 4.20
and I never really went to sleep
after that...

I have a few of the pictures I took
back now...Ill post them tomorrow...
they made me miss you even more
Ill admit (just so you feel less crazy)
that I almost cried right in the middle
of the store. (or...maybe we're both crazy)

love you so much.

is shakespeare dead?

faith!

yes, Im alright...
I was just terribly tired last night
and had such an awful lot I wanted to
write to you...
that it seemed best just to leave it
until I was abit more awake...

the bulk of it would have been the
description of my weekend...
followed up by abit of politics...

Im afraid I will again have to leave it
until later...
but I wanted to let you know that I was
alright...good even...
excepting how much I miss you...

hopefully, by tonight, I will have
more photos to show you...
from calgary and my visit
to see a lovely girl in germany.

I love you faith.
I wish you were with me now.

...

oki...
I missed my bus...
ended up spending another day here...
I should get in about 6am I think...
then work...
then sleep...

here is one of the many pictures we took.
more later.
I love you.
I think our first child should be born in China...
just in case they take over.

you set me free

well,
my plan was to
come home today and
write out a short account
of everything that happened
this weekend...
it was story worthy,
even by lofty reckoning...

but instead I was pulled out
for late night shisha with friends
(I like Israelis)
and then
later night chinese with 2
charming gentleman to have
a conservation about the matter
of life and death...

Jeremy is writing is story about
a boy about his age and his height...
realizing suddenly that crossing the Darien
Gap was the answer to his nights of sleeplessness...
in the jungle he would find truth...
or he would die...and hopefully...find truth

its a good premise I think...
except that it sounded tonight like he means
to do so...
it took me much to long to realize that when
he speaks of "going into the jungle"
what he means is "commit suicide"

I will save him.
Hopefully I can do it from here.

I will write more tomorrow...
probably before you've read this...
but just in case.

I love you faith
I feel like this isnt my real life at all...
that I should be back in Berlin with you.
It makes me sad to think of how long it
will be until we could live together...
maybe we should get apartments right next to
one another, and just take turns having sleepovers?



Im sorry that I make you teary sometimes...
Ill make it up to you...
we took alot of photos in banff that are bound
to make you miss me less...
some of them will be posted within 48hrs.

Im so very tired...
I wish I was with you...
Id settle for just 10 minutes...
just to help me get to sleep...

I miss you so much.

and perhaps to dream

faith

Im back in calgary now...
my flight was fine...abit long...
I sat between a german farmer
and an austrian whose girlfriend lived in
Vancouver...
and had some excellent talks with both.
(I know all about German farming now :)

when I got back plans had already been
made, we had a party to go to and then were
going to head out to banff...
I asked if it would be alright if I took a short nap...
and when that turned into hours...
they were kind enough not to wake me...

I miss you faith.
It was terrible waking up this morning
without you
....
....
....
I too feel like apart of me missing...
if I was feeling abit braver id say it was almost like
we were meant to be together.

"are you afraid to be the man she deserves?"
says jeffrey?

the only thing that I regret about our last night
together is that I didnt get to make you spagetti
(which I certainly owe you)
progress can be painful I think...
you just tore down a few more of my defences is all.
(there arent alot left)

what I want you to remember about that night
is that what I was really upset about
(I cried too much maybe...but you'll know it was sincere)
was that at the end of our lives together
I might have to say Good-Bye to you... for good...
and thats something thats between G-d and I...

yes, I am assuming all kinds of things
that you love me as much as I love you...
that we'll travel the world together...
and that Im going to marry you...
and Im perfectly happy to do so

but you should know
that while you were worried about my
doubting yesterday, I was talking to
a german man about where we should be living
when our child is born.
(it would give them dual citizenship in many countries
which I think would be very useful.)

I hope you day is grand babe.
I miss Berlin too...
and am abit jealous that you have 2 more weeks there :)
I should have left you some euros so you could bring
me back a sandwich from my usual sandwich place.
Im going to be craving one today...
and theres not a damn thing Ill be able to do about it.

Also, tell Shar'ee (sp?) that Im terribly
sorry that I didnt get to say good-bye to her...
that I appreciated her answering my questions
and that her pistachios were wonderful.

I love you faith.

you are my home

let me tell you faith...
not only can your man
tell the difference between
Miles and Coltrane
and point Bhutan out on a map...

he can also do normal man type things
you know basic plumbing, electrical
and mechanical things.
what Im saying is, we could go to the
symphony dressed to the nines,
and on the way home I could easily fix
our broken vehicle with your panty-hose
and my left cuff-link.

what I cannot do...apparently...is change
the main relay in a late model Honda Accord
with a mad german scientist as an assistant.

I am, as I type, covered in all kinds of automotive
liquids...the kinds of oily blood and bile that flow
freely when one sticks a screwdriver where one should not.

The best part is, Im not certain I have time to clean up...
so I may just have to hop on the plane as I am.

the plane.
yes.
in lightly less than 8 hours I will be winging
my way in the right direction.

this will be the last thing you have to read
until our airport rendezvous.

know that only G-d and Bono could stop
me from stepping off that plane in Munich tomorrow.

I love you.

now if you'll excuse me,
I have to finish shaving my head.

another summer day has come and gone away

babe.

you dont know how happy I am that
I won't have to write you tomorrow...
because Ill be on a plane
coming to see you.

it is a lovely day here.
and (according to the interweb)
it was a lovely day there as well.

you are listening to Mozart now
I think...
I hope that we can see a symphony together
this next week (but not wagner...I hate wagner;)

and you saw the painting today!
is it larger than you imagined?

I have a few errands to run today...
and then plan on spending a full 7
hours at the med. surrounded by some
of my favourite peoples.

I dont think that Im going to sleep tonight...
partially because I know they wont let me
(its kinda a tradition)
but mostly because Im going to attempt to be
unjetlagged when I arrive.

I love you faith.

as for you getting to read
something I've written...
I feel obligated to point out
that these postings now occupy
a fully ridiculous 179 pages
in their entirety!
so you see that I owe you nothing!

.....

yes, I know that you still no think I do
no, I didnt actually think
Id be able to convince
you otherwise :)

Im lucky I know

its so nice to be back in my city...

when Nadia
couldnt come to tea
I decided just to wander
about...it was wonderful.
sometimes its nice to be
memorable...to be able to
come back to a place after
months spent away and
have people in the shops
still recognize you...

eventually I ended up in kensington...
Im not sure how you managed it...
but somehow whole sections of this
town remind me of you.
(even places we haven't been...
places Ive just thought about taking you)

I went to one of the places that I cant
go without knowing someone...
gathered a few of them up
and headed off to sit and talk.

I did go out with Shawna tonight
which was great.
It was nice to know that we're alright.

I wish you knew how good she made

me feel about being with you.

It turns out that she has been dating someone

for awhile, and he sounds nice-ish.
I wish though,
that she was excited enough about it
that she would have told me before.
I spent alot of time talking about you...
she might have a better idea than you
just how much Im in love.

please G-d never refuse free wine
on my account!
thats the thing that I like best about
traveling alone - how much easier it
is to meet interesting people
and have interesting things happen.
(the exception of course being traveling with me;)

tomorrow I go to banff...
and the very next day I fly out to see you.
Ill write out my flight numbers now...
just in case I forget.

Arriving TS406 at 13.40pm.

like I said,
I suspect that I will
have some problems getting through
security...
I will try and tell them that
I have a beautiful girl that loves me
waiting patiently in the foyer...
but please don't worry if Im abit delayed.

alright...I must eat yams with the german
(we practiced german today)
and then sleep.

I love you.
If I was there
I would certainly scare the americans
away from you...
I did punch one randomly tonight though...
I hope that counts for something.

2 days!
gah.
Ill just listen to
this song 2 more times.

surrounded by a million people I

Faith.

I can not think
of a way to begin
to describe how nice
it was to talk to you
last night.

maybe if I told you
that my smile lasted
until morning.

first thing.
I heard a song
yesterday that I loved.
loved.
but for the first time this
summer...it wasnt a song
that reminded me of you...
but a song that I hoped
reminded you of me.
big sigh.

as for the classes
I personally dont find
canadian history or north
american politics very entertaining...
but I suppose they would be useful.
I imagine they would give you background
on the history and structure of the political
systems...but you could always just ask me ;)

Spanish is not as difficult as german
and 2 semesters would give you a good
understanding of the basic grammar.

the history of 3rd world
under/over development
sounds very hip.

have you considered an intro to eastern religions?
I thought it both incredibly interesting, and
useful on a near daily basis. Besides...
if its up to me...after Africa we are definately
going to India/Nepal/Bhutan.

my morning was early
but spent in the pleasant
company of friends...
even though I mostly just ran errands.
(I have your student loan application)

wow. you just called me.
I hate my cell phone.
I love you.

this day will not pass quickly enough.
I'm going to jet out again...
but I promise I will write you later.

your message was cute. thanks.
I suspect Ill sneak away at least
once today to listen to it again...

I hope that you had the best day...
but either way, I cant wait to hear all
about it...
in an e-mail
or in your arms.
its not so long now.

Im just going to listen to this song 3
more times...and then I guess I should go...
being popular is such a burden.

love you.

ok...maybe 7 times...but then I really do need to jet.

daring daylight escape

I havent actually done alot of packing...
yet...
mostly coffee, and dinner so far...
and I have to go out again...
so,
its going to be a late, late night.

oddest of all though is the package
that Im going to go pick up this week
that I am to deliver while in berlin.

Im not joking.

How would you feel about dating a spy?

in other news.
I miss you.
I wish I could talk to you
for hours.
It feels like its been months since
Ive done so.

you are the source of
endless smiles...
and I love you so.

framed

I've spent the last little while
debating whether or not I should bring
my camera...

Im not sure that I want to carry it around...
but I would so love to have some picture of us
in prague, in berlin, anywhere at all.

I really do think faith
that I will end this trip more in love with you
than ever.
(if thats possible)

I hope thats alright.

by your very definition

I love you.

all these places feel like home

hey babe.

vienna in july sounds wonderful...
though I have to say that in my
dreams its always winter there...

we'll just have to go back I guess...
besides, I suspect that seeing Klimt's
work in person would make me like it...even more ;)

I've started packing...
made a list and everything
(though I know Ill forget something)

I do wish I was with you now.

Ill write again, today
even when Im in calgary
(Id like it if you always had something to read)
but I may be hard to reach on a landline
as of tomorrow...
I will have my cell with me.
Im not sure it works in Banff,
but I do hope you'll try if you can.

Oki...Ill get back to packing...
listening to Alice
and thinking of you.

Im very tired...
even for how late it is.
I threw abit of a party tonight...
(there were alot of people here)
which was mostly ungood
but the night ended so very well,
with a long talk that was so good
that I will have to tell
you all about it.
I believe that Im a better person for it.

your in venice now I think...
or in munich...
or Im there with you
writing an e-mail about how wonderful
you are back to my crazed friends.
If this is true...if Im there right now
can you do me a favour?
sneak up behind me
put your arms around my shoulders
and tell me that you will never let me go.

love you babe.

some of the night is oh so very clearly
"run" by snow patrol

IIl take my chances

3 months and counting.

really, Im suprised
we've made
it this long!

well...not really
I hold to my original
prediction of 7 months...
though if we could make 9...
or forever...that would be alright too...

I hope that I get to talk to you today...
but if your reading this days from now
and we did not...please dont fret...
its not even a week until I see you!
and I have to say that I expect that it
will be wonderful.

there's a T.S. Eliot quote I love:

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

may this be true of us dear...
not just now but through
the remainder of our days.

I love you faith.
Happy 3 months.

thats right...all the tea

Im tired,
which means this will either
be short...
or long and ramble-y

the day was full of interesting
characters...
and a desperate attempt to
find clothes that would make
me look "summery"
(not as easy as you might think)

Dean drove in from Calgary today.
Which was lovely...
and exactly what I needed.
I have alot of people here
whose company I enjoy...
and who think that Im neat.
But really, I miss my friends
my real friends...

Its been months since I've seen
him (he was in Sicily)
and it was wonderful...
just to sit, and talk to him
about G-d, about girls,
(he left his in Sicily)
about the difference between
"loving" someone...
and "being in love" with them.
(Im "in love" with you...apparently)

When hours had passed we sat and looked
through all the photos he had taken.
It was lovely to think as a looked
through his pictures of florence
(which were quite good, even by my standards)
that you could be there right now.
what a beautiful place...
and Im sure the photos capture only a fraction of it.
I'll never like not being with you faith,
but I suppose that if it must be so...
its better that it be in such a heavenly place.

I think that I will go back to Calgary with him
this Monday...I have too many people to speak with...
too many people to see, to be there for only one day.

Dean is trying to get me to come to Japan with him...
(he's there for 1 year starting this september with JET)
you should probably get him to stop ;)

I have to get up early today...
Im touring through my Uncle's building.
so I should jet to bed.

but I have to say that
I hardly missed you at all today...
there was simply no room...
I was much too excited about seeing you
to think of anything else.

we'd wander through it

I wanted to let you know right away
that there was something wrong with
my ticket.

It says that Im leaving on the 23rd...
and it seems to me thats too soon.
I know you'll be tired of me...
but the Tour de France ends in
Paris on the 24th!

hmm...
apparently I make an appearance
in jeremy's book...
and I say some wise type things
(its fiction)

we are watching
war photographer...
that documentry about
James Nachtwey.

I have seen it many times...
its something I just like to sit
down and watch every now and again.
(is that strange)

I find his Photos compelling in the
same way that I think you find Klimt compelling.
I am moved incredibly
by both the perfection of his
composition, and the
symbolism and emotion
he can find in a moment stilled.

Ill make you a deal.
You can hang a giant print of
"The Kiss" on one wall.
If I can hang a Nachtwey print on another.

sigh.
I love that you have such a passion for art,
for music, for everything!

I hope you were capivated today,
by something you can tell me all about soon.

apparently
you had sent an e-mail to rachet telling
her that Renee was the reason your not in Scotland.
both her and kat are quite...annoyed.
Im sure Renee won't mind that you've made her
2 enemies for life ;)

also...
it turns out that rachet is
sojourning to Ghana this october

you are lovely...
and
as these last days
go by without you...
I miss you even more.

love you.

in the picture your right beside me

another day gone.
and thank G-d for it.

it was just work.
but that was good...
real good.

energy drinks were on sale
at the shoppers next door...
that may have had something to
do with it.

I'm fairly good at meeting people.
Good enough that its awkward sometimes...
My delivery driver asked me out to lunch today...
which was odd...
but turned out better than I would have thought
he asked some questions that made me think.

yes...it is 9 days now.
I know that we'll likely get to talk
only once more before Im there.
Can it be on the 9th?
I know that it might not work out,
and that would be alright.
But I would sure like it to.

Gah.


Im so glad your going to Vienna.
I know there is much that you'd like to see there.
I spent some time looking at "The Kiss" tonight...

It will be so nice to have you kiss me
with eyes like you'd never leave
and tell me that all my silly fears were for nothing.

yours were, I assure you.

if you want to be my girl

small pockets of odd culture form everywhere...
groups of people drawn together by common
goals or passion...

one of the oddest ones Ive come across
is the Grounders Crews here in Regina.
I went out to play with them tonight,
with my sisters, the handsome, and some
friends from Calgary.

Its a childs game, which Im sure you know
the rules of...but almost every night
at this place known as "Grounders Central"
people gather to play.
Tonights game was good.
I hope its alright that your 24 year old boyfriend
likes to play playground games every now and again.

my sisters are odd.
(though they swear that Im odd-er-er)
I offer as proof a quote from our expedition to Costco
this very day.

The were arguing about something,
when suddenly Rachet yells (loudly)

"I should have killed you when
I had the chance...
in the womb!"

are you sure you want to be apart of this family?

When I received your first e-mail today,
I got ahold of this girl that I used to date in Calgary.
She works the UofC paper there, and, I remembered
was doing a research paper last year
on the practice of prostitution
in Europe by foreign women. Anyway, when I told her
about your experience she was horrified.
("It can happen to anyone Jae...don't feel bad")
Her interest now renewed, she is planning to do an article
about it for the first issue of this years paper. She would
be very interested in interviewing you when you get back...
and I told her that we could probably make time when you
got back to Calgary, and that I would try to convince you
that sharing your story could prevent the same thing
happening to others. I really think you should.
Her name is Chelsey, and she'll probably try and get
ahold of you by e-mail this week.

Let me tell you what I didnt like about today...
it was lovely, and I didnt have to work...
and this one thing almost ruined it.
I was driving home in the Echo...
when I saw...stretched out before me....
perfection.
A tall slender man in a large hat and very short
pastel shorts was walking with his tiny dog beside
the largest puddle I had seen in days.

"You have to do it", I thought to myself.
"It's perfect....and that dog looks just like your G-ma's"
(I hate that dog)

I nudged the steering wheel to the left...
and accelerated.
but choked with 5m to go...
re-correcting
and missing the puddle entirely

"I couldnt do it!"

"If Jiminy Cricket was your conscience...
he would puke in his hat", said Kat from the Back.

sigh. next time.

One of the many things I love about you Faith
is that your not dry-clean only. Not that I would...
but I feel like I could ask you to come with me anywhere.
That you could be as happy sleeping on a park bench
as a feather bed...is one of the many reasons Ill try to
keep you forever.

keeping that in mind,
I have booked our hostels in Prague.
You may regret leaving me responsible...
time shall tell.

have a wonderful day babe.

I love you!

get in the plane and fly

he sat down at a table
teeming with various odd folk.

"listen", he said,
"Im not going to lie to you...
right now my girlfriend is
whoring it up on the streets
of Rome so she can buy
bread to eat"

there were some gasps...
some nods of concern...

"so, If you don't mind...
I'm going to try terribly
hard to take your money"

yip...I played poker tonight.

(you may have questions asked
when you get back...I was fairly
convincing...and might have forgotten
to tell some of them I was joking.)

Im fairly good at it...
which means that I should never play.
This is one of your duties as my girlfriend
incidently...to keep the legendary Reichel
gambling problem at bay.
I do well, to be fair...
but inevitably, I have the same problem
that my father and brother have...
I can not entirely convince myself
that odds cannot be charmed like peoples.

enough of that.

your in Rome!
I cant tell you how
much I wish I was
there with you...

even just to be in the Vatican...
to be able to walk through the Sistine Chapel...
I think it would make me cry.
I hope you won't mind going back...
(Rome sits comfortably at #7 on my list.)

oki...I know that your going to ignore this
but Im going to write it anyway...
please, please, let know if you've run out of money.
I know that you are horribly proud
which I both love and hate...
but I know that if lucky
(about 7 years and 3 continents from now)
all of my money will be yours anyway.

alright, Id write more....
but I suspect you'd just skip over it.

Ill leave it up to you to decide about Prague.
There are some practical concerns I know...
its about a 6 hour train trip I think...
(munich ----> prague)
which means it would be quite late when we arrived.
this is fine by me of course.
but I havent been traveling for the last month...
I suspect, that even with someone as handsome as me...
its possible you might have grown abit weary of travel.
I've found some hostels that look interesting...
but none of them seem to be very busy.
I would love to see Prague.
But thats not what this trip is about.
(Besides, I totally get to pick where we go next time)
I'll hold off on booking anything until I hear from you.
I really am alright with anything you'd like to do...
I just want to be there with you.

small chance that Im heading up to Melfort tomorrow...
if so, Ill simply have to drop in on your family
(dont worry...my mother will be with me)

love you.

hold the line

I hope your at the concert right now! :)
and that its awesome
(Muse is a guilty pleasure of mine)

I had a dream last night
where Johnny Cash
told me that everything
was going to be ok...
then he signed my arm
and walked away.

how cool would it be to
have the man in black
as a guardian angel?

I know that it sounds odd...
but I hope that I dont hear from you
today. I know Im a cutey...
but theres too much fun to be had!

(the condition being
of course
that later,
when your close enough that
I can feel you breathing...
you'll tell me all about it.)

end of act 1

my night went a little differently
than I thought it would...
a bunch of large men and their
friends showed up at my house
informing me that
"I should get my damn bathing suit on"

one of the larger ones wandered up to me
smiling, and whispered in my ear...
"I've been drinking"

I probably could have guessed.


Music in the Park
Square dancing with strangers etc.
The night and the company was good...
But I have to say that the best
part of it was the end...
knowing that another day had passed...
that it was now only 13 days until
I see you.

over the next few weeks Im going
to make a desperate attempt to
finish some kind of writing type thing...
Im starting to get e-mails asking me
what the hell Ive been doing with my summer.
anyway, no promises...
but you know you'll be the first (maybe 2nd)
person that gets to read...anything
I might just have to come to terms with
things being just "alright".
I can always try for "good" later.

alright. I need bed.
I love you.
I wish I could explain
all that I meant by that.


[Kat walks into the room...pokes me on the forehead]


"DIDI-MAO!"
"DIDI-MAO!", she yells.

[I give her a puzzled look]

"What part of DIDI-MAO! did you not understand!"

what a weird family I have.

why orwell matters

my sister just sent you an e-mail...
which she wouldnt let me read...
that frightens me abit.

I know that it seems perfectly
reasonable to them to drop
all your plans and head to Scotland...
but its really not.
(unless I was there with you!)

I hope all your days in Paris
have been as great as the first one.
(wait....are you still in Paris?)

Today is Canada day,
hopefully you can find some
Canadians to celebrate with.
There is a big Party in the park
today that Ill saunter over to
soon enough.

I miss you faith...
and I love you...
its not just seeing you
Im looking forward to...
its being able, finally,
to talk to you for hours
about anything and everything...

take care babe.

j

paris morning

it sounds wonderful there faith...
(but you make everyplace sound wonderful)
I would certainly go back there with you.
(but I would go anywhere with you)

as for living there...
fine. as long as we get to live in Jerusalem too :)
Im not sure about the accent though...
as it stands, you about as sexy as I can handle

don't worry about calling me soon...
I would love to hear from you.
But at this point all I would talk about
is how much I missed you...
and how much I was looking forward to being there...
Im not sure how exciting that would be ;)
besides, there are only 15 days until Im with you.
that seems so much less than 7000miles.

I have people giving me books to read all the time...
but this last week was the first time that someone
has told me that there was a book they were
genuinely AFRAID to have me read.
this, of course, meant that I had to have it.

Now that Im part way into it though...
I can see what they're talking about.
Its called "Meetings with Remarkable Men"
more on this later.

Im headed out for the night...
some kind of a party with snakes...

have a wonderful day faith.

can I ask you to pick one
the paintings you saw
and tell me how you felt about it?
maybe something that I would not have
heard of?

this is, after all, what Im really jealous of...
that I miss seeing your reaction to all
the beauty that surrounds you.

love you.

because Bono says so...

faith!
please tell me that
you are going to be
at the Live8 concert tomorrow...
Im watching Bono on tv now...
talking about how they are taking
people in convoys up the M1 to
protest at the G8 summit in Dunkirk.
Do you think that you could go?
How incredible would that be?
If you can
I hope you do.
What an incredible thing to take part in.

but the greatest of these.

I bought your birthday present today.
(you probably won't like it;)
I want to tell you what it is...
but I love suprises!
(well...suprising other people)

are you in Paris babe?
Is it as lovely as it is in my mind?
Did you spend the day looking
at beautiful things?
i hope so.

today was the day that I finally went
over to Nadines for supper...
(eggplant...not real good)
I was a little worried,
it had been about 8 years since Id seen her.
But, it was good.
Strange only because her and her husband
are abit odd. (a little new-agey...but interesting)
I really liked him. His english was only slightly
better than my spanish...which meant that we
ended up speaking this sortof awkward combination of.
I adore their son though, Kai...and strangely
he adored me as well...constantly giving me these huge hugs...
crying when they tried to take him away.

I cant see myself going very often...
though it was nice to see that she ended
up with such a pleasant fellow.

it just made me miss you more...

faith,
I know that it will be a long time...
that we have some work to do...
on us...on ourselves...
(not so much...we good)
that it will be years from now
(you know...maybe 6...or 11...)
but I can't wait for that to be us
our apartment will be nicer mind you...
our child cuter...
(and able to speak english, spanish AND german)
but tonight I could not help but think how lovely
it will be.

thats right...I said "will be"...
I think that one of the things that went
wrong this last week is that I stopped assuming that
things would work out. All of the things we said are true...
we don't know...but until I have reason to think otherwise...
I don't think I will.

I know that alot of time and experience will pass before that...
(I swear I wont marry you until we've seen 4 continents together)*
but Im looking forward to that too...
tonight...Im looking forward to it all.

gah.

I have some friends from Calgary that have shown up
randomly tonight...its nice to be missed....
so...I guess I should go...

really, I just know, looking back this will all seem too short.

have the best paris day faith.
handsome luc says you should check out the catacombs...
I love you.

yip...you wont like your present at all.

*I didnt really think about this before I wrote it.
But Ive decided thats its true...in fact...Im going
to go get a bible and swear on it...in front of witnesses.

orange sky

Thank you so much for
calling me this morning!!

If you only knew,
that you'd made my day...
that I did this weird little dance
when I got off the phone with you...
the girl I am so in love with.

Im at work now...
and its raining,
I havent turned the lights on yet...
just sitting...listening to this lovely song...
and wishing that I was with you.

hail, hail to the lucky ones.

captain fantastic and the brown dirt cowboy

I was driving through the wal-mart
parking lot yesterday...
thinking about how well everything was going...
life was making a whole lot more sense...
I was (and am) slightly giddy about touching down
in the fatherland a slight 2 weeks from now.

life, I decided, was good...no...awesome.
it only makes sense that
at exactly! that point
I ran into Nebraska...
with my car.
(Im only 15% joking)

you'll be happy to know that
I am having none of his tom-foolery...
there is no way I would take on
the syndicate with only 4 people...
now matter how well armed...
and awesome we would be.
(33% joking)

lovely girlfriend
I believe you are in
luxemburg today...
I am jealous.
(of luxemburg...
it gets to see you before I do ;)

I had a good day.
I hope you had a great one.


I love you!

fortunate fool

so thats what an argument is like.
gah, Im so sure this wouldnt have happened
if we were together...
Im even sure that with another 32 minutes or less
we could have talked everything through...
I feel good though (is that strange?)
Ill take sudden revelation
over slow realization anyday.
and today...Ive had several

Im sorry.
but Im not worried,
and I am so excited to see you faith.
really, I wish it was today...
it would be so nice if it was today.

Im not coming out of obligation,
or because I think we need saving.
I just want to.
Right now (7.12am), its all I want to do.
(maybe Id put some pants on first)

can I be honest and say that Im
still wondering why you just cant tell
me what happened this week?

But I will suck it up.
Really.
(or fake it if I cant :)

and yes, this thing was ungood
and so much my fault.
it is so unfair that you
have to wonder through
this mine-field of my past experience.

I will get to a point soon,
where it is natural for me to
assume good things.

I know its lame to quote poetry...
but sometimes I just can't help it...
Im know you've heard this one before...
but today it meant something different...

-
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
-

it will be so good to see you.

What would have happened if we hadnt talked longer?
Nothing bad. I had convinced myself by Friday night that
I might only get to talk to you once before I came...
and that was horrible, but genuinely alright.
I was making all those things I wrote up you know...
at the end of the day,
all I was ever thinking was how much I missed you.

So, lets be done with this
(I know we might have to talk about it later...but for now)
and get down to the much happier business of being in love.

theres this great Stevie Wonder song
he says what Ive been thinking since last night.
"I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever"
(oh stevie, you so fine)
and I do. I am so very tempted to hedge that
with phrases like
"oh, who knows what paths a man must walk"
or some other sillyness.
But I really do believe that I will spend
the rest of my life in love with you.

It will be so wonderful to see you faith.
So incredibly wonderful.
how I cant wait to talk to you about small things!

I know that once again,
it will be sometime between our talking...
which I hope you have no worries about...
because I promise you that I dont.
I do have some questions (all trip related)
that you can get to when your able.
(as in...anytime before I leave...)


1) Is there any way that we could go to prague
on the friday I get there?
I know that you have to check in by the 17th.
If I wandered out to Berlin
by myself would you have time to do it Friday?
That way we could spend
the weekend there!
(and pick up the new Harry Potter book in Czech!)
oh but I would like to see you
the very second
that Im able...hmm...


2) I would love to stay with you...love it.
so we could stay up and talk...
fall asleep and wake up together...
I just think it would be better if
I had someplace else to be...
(though hopefully you'll try and change my mind)
so, do you know where the apartment your staying is?
I was planning on staying at the Generator,
but I would so much rather
have a hostel thats close to you.
(if you dont know thats alright)


thats about it really.
I know that you have school during the week...
so Im very slowly working out a rough
plan of some of the thing Id like to do...
some of the daytrips Id like to take...
I suspect you;ve seen all of these things already...
so it works out well...
(besides...I think you know that I like to wander by myself)
I hope you know that all of these things are secondary to you...
but I would love to come away from this trip with love for this place
your so fond of.
(you say you wont make me live there...
but Im not sure I believe you:)
So, I will make all these plans will the full intention
of breaking them if I get the chance
(except for the porsche factory...
Im kidding...its actually not on the list)


I'm starting to try and pick
up some german...less because
I think it will be useful while
Im there...
more because
I think my attempts
will amuse you.


love you babe.
thanks.

12 minutes ago I was sitting in a hot tub on the other
side of town.
I was talking to some people about...something....
when it suddenly occurred to me that I couldnt
bear the thought of you thinking that I was bothered...
or worried...

so I got up...excused myself...and drove across
town in my bathing suit...hoping that I could
write this out before you had a chance to check.

faith, Ive been so unfair...
I wish I was there now to tell you so.
I adore you babe...
and 18 day from now we will be dancing
in the streets of Berlin.

I need to get back to my hot-tub party...
they may wonder where Ive gone.

my heartbeat shows

well love, I hope where-ever you are
you are safe and sitting right on the edge
of a most interesting day.

it was an strange day...well...not for me
but some would have called it so...
it seems I am going to be in a movie on Sunday...
that I have been drafted into a band...
and that I have to go to dinner at Nadines.

gah! I wish that I could talk to you right now...
and straight on till morning

but I know (and I hope you do to)
that you have me forever (if you'd like)
and germany for only a short time longer...

love you faith.

(there will be pictures tomorrow)

things Ive prayed for

Oh Faith

I hope you are marvelously well...
I hesitate to ask, but can you let me know
that your alright when your able?

I know that Im silly...
but I cant help but worry abit.

(if you have time you can also
write abit about how much you miss me,
and what a terribly good idea it is for
me to come to see you ;)

sigh.

the grad was exceptionally good...
I am so proud of my sisters...
of my brother.
But I have to say
that
Im not sure how anyone could
think that they could seat my father,
my brother, and I together without
expecting some kind of a amusing scene.

Oh, I really do love you...
enough that lately its been making me abit nervous...
I know that some of my friends think it happened so quickly...
so easily...and thats true...mostly...
but this summer has been hard, hasn't it?
can I drop the coolness for a second to tell you
about the times Ive spent lying awake at night...
trying to work through my insecurities,
weighing the risk my heart is in...

it seems there would have been way fewer
of these tiny battles had we been together...
but I know, as I win each one,
Im becoming closer to the person I'd like you to marry...

alright...
as you know, your boy can talk forever
but I suspect that your reading this on some
tiny train interweb terminal with just minutes to spare.

may your day be lovely

only the good

my sisters graduate today!
I can barely believe it...
I still clearly remember when
we had to cover all of the plants
so they wouldnt eat dirt.
(I guess it was only last summer)

the ceremony is tonight...
Kat is the MC
and Rachet is singing some songery...

Im so proud of my little family.
we good.

I made my special thursday morning CD
last night...which will hopefully tide me
through a day I was not supposed to be working...

your wonderful!

good god...get me out of here!

alright...
so somehow...
I ended up doing couples therapy tonight...
which, first of all, to be fair...
Im not qualified to do...
and secondly...I...really...really...really...really...
dont want to do...

please babe, please come rescue me!
AHHHHHHHHHH!
AAAAAAAAHHHH!

it just goes to show me though...
wow...are we better than everyone...or what?
seriously.
as soon as I start putting the cap back on the toothpaste...
I think we're pretty much perfect;)

alright...they might have noticed that Im not listening anymore...
I should go...you should smile...and run off to whatever adventure
awaits you today.

I love you Faith Gustafson.

trying desperately to be independant

I have to admit...
I was so hoping you would call tonight.
I know that it might be this long between
us speaking...but I hoped it would not be so.

I guess as long as you;ve wanted to call me!
You know, passed by a pay-phone and paused...



Really though, I hope your days have been chalked full
or Germany Goodness!!!

There are people over...again...
I guess Im going swimming...again...
and then going for innappropriate breakfast...again...
yip...another exciting night
yay.

just so you know

you have a little bit of competition here...
there was a girl in the store today that
seemed quite intent on marrying me...
I told her that it might not work out now
(she was 2...and a half)
but that we could re-evaluate when she was 25...

that gives you 22.5 years to make up your mind.

I have to jet back to work...
I miss you...
even when Im not thinking about it I can feel it.
it is a lovely day though
and Stevie Wonder makes me dance.

love you babe.

especially at night

David told me, a long time ago, that during
the American embassy crisis in Iran...
the hostages (who had been held for over 1.5years)
kept themselves sane by inventing an imaginary dairy
farm...everyday they would talk about the price of milk...
or how a certain cow was sick.

when I myself was in a tiny white room...
all I thought about was getting out...and ants (they were my friends)

I am doing it now though...abit
When I am feeling especially far away from you
I imagine all the things that our future holds...
(I have you 42nd birthday all planned out...half-joking)
I have to say, if you were ever to do the same thing...
I would have to call you crazy.

I hope your day is stellar, and your companians congenial...
and that through it all you remember that I love you.

song of the morning is clearly "Overkill" by Colin Hay
I think this is a repeat...but I dont care
It very clearly encapsulates my thoughts this morning.

take care babe

better songs, better day

even though I have to admit
that I cant wait until this summer is over...
till I can call you at night when Ive had a bad dream...
and have you tell me that Im alright...
till the amount of time between us seeing one another
is measured in days....instead of weeks...
Babe, I cant stop thinking abou how hip you are...
how proud I am of you...
how excited I am for everything your getting to see and do.

Ill admit, I have my moments of insecurity...

(about us, about this upcoming trip)

but in the end, its all overcome by

how much I adore you

I dont know where you are...

but I wish I was there.

faith, I love you.

feet on the ground

well, I suppose group e-mails are better than nothing...
;)

have a great day faith...
exploring magical castles and such
Im sorry you;ve been abit bothered

Ill make a reservation at the Generator Berlin just in case...
I stayed there in London
and really liked it.

Im going to go sit out by the pool abit before work...
its another beautiful day.
the city has been invaded by a swarm of butterflys...

patience boy, I need it

bbbq was strange...but good
I left early, as has been my practice...
picked up my sisters who informed me
that "we were on a mission...a mission for chicken"
it was about that point that the funny hats came out.
what an odd family I have.

Nadine called me tonight, wants to get together sometime this week...
it should be interesting after so many years to get together with her
child and husband. Its strange to think that we could end up being
friends.

Kenn brought me back one of those "I Heart NYC" shirts...

he had some wonderful stories...

can you promise me that we'll try to get there within 3 years?

I'd like to go at Christmas time...

I know you'll barely have time to read this...
and less time to write me back...
gah! But Im so excited to see you...
even though this whole trip scares me to death.
I miss you babe...have everyday since you've left...
I hope today is your best Germany day yet!

song of the night is so very clearly "Numbness for Sound"
damn Howie Day...

whats the frequency?

oh, kenn is home...
which means Im out for a
geez-kenn-went-to-to-new-york-without- getting-shot-
and/or-mugged-though-this-one-guy-on-the-subway-
did-look-at-him-kinda-funny-BBBQ
(the extra B is for "better")
it will be awesome, no doubt, but I have to say
that I would trade it all for a jae-I-only-have-3-minutes-
because-I-just-have-to-run-phonecall from you.

also

Know that Im not assuming that I can stay with you...
I'd love to, but I know that your parents might not love it...
or it might not be allowed...or...or...
I just dont want you to have to worry about such things.

oh, have an immaculate day babe...
try to miss me...just a little ;)

the war for

Gah! you just sent me an e-mail. I wish I could have talked to you...
I sent...in reply...a bunch of random nonsensical e-mails...

Ill repeat what I said in them...but in more detail...

you certainly dont have to come meet me at the airport...
my german is non-existant (for the time being) but I have
no problems believing I could make it to berlin in at least 3 pieces.
But don't get me wrong...Id like to see you the second that Im able...
love to have you there when I get off the plane...
if only to help me carry my bags (Im kidding)

my exact schedule is as follows

AirTransat Flight 406 - arriving in Munich at 1.40pm on the 15th.
AirTransat Flight 407 - departs Munich on the 22nd at 3.40pm


take care faith

of heroic hearts

days get nicer than this somewhere...
but not here.

one of the wonderful things about being
home is getting to spend time with my g-ma
shes still recovering from her hip surgery...
but we still get out, to wonder around...
its lovely

I have another confession to make

oh, I hate that I couldnt say anything
to you about sleeping under a bridge
without being a horrible hypocrite...

the difference being that Im bulletproof...
and your not.

I had a strange...semi creepy day...
It just made me wish you were here

Why is it that passport pictures never look good?
(except yours...of course)
I went twice, and now have to decide between crooked
glasses--and evil-looking.

Semi-randomly Im going to ask how you would
feel about us getting PADI certified...
(sometime within the year)
so we can go diving and stuff
(my mom has been harassing me to do it for years)
I think I told you that there is a talk of my family
reunioning in Belize next summer...
even if that falls through...they'd love to have us visit
(I went to visit your aunt...its only fair!)
with your permission, I may stop in on your family the July 1st
weekend...Im not sure how strange that would be...
but it seems like getting to know them...
could help me get to know you...

oh I miss you babe, I hope Munich is brilliant.
tomorrow it would have been 50 days
now...its only 26.
thats still too long...


I love you faith, with all my heart
I hope you never doubt it.

it travels fast

I received this e-mail this morning
I thought it was hip enough to pass on...

""
[darn!] [I hear your] finally going to [Germany]
This thing you have blows me away every day, and well, I'm jealous.
Tus historias seran mias un dia....
take care, [darn] you!
I am enraged with happinesssss for you!!!!!

peace bro
Kurt

""

I edited it abit...you know...in case your mom reads this.
(hi Mrs. Gustafson)

10 more times to miss you

its still warm
usually at night the all streets are asleep
but the thunder had woke them
and the lightning had pushed them outside
to sit on sidewalks and watch the storm...

I was about half way home when it started to rain...
I hope it rains when Im there faith...warm like it was tonight...

I go bed...soon...

there is a whole crowd of people here...
looking over my shoulder...
they take shelter from the storm

all that noise

faith,

I get some interesting phonecalls occasionally
(though Im almost always dissappointed that its not you)

tonight it was dean,
who has just come back from sicily...
and is, I think...in love.

he wanted someone to listen...
about how he had fallen for this girl
when he least expected it...
how he was afraid of the distance
and how it would effect their relationship

when it came time for me to comment...
I told him that it was difficult...
but worth it...if she was...

you so are faith.

the party was fine...
I broke a large glass ball...
with a large rubber ball...

i spend abit of the night being terribly nice
to this Thai boy...friend of my sisters...
the one that has the mansion in Thailand...

I thought that we could go visit him somtime...
and he's agreed to teach me some thai food secrets...
I go run now.

I dont know where you are now faith...
but I hope its beautiful.

I love you babe...
thanks for your patience

the hotness

its 32 here today...
and it rained last night...
so the air is thick, and sticky.

the solution is obvious...
POOL PARTY!
(people are arriving just now)

oh faith, I went and bought my
ticket this morning...
started the process to get my new
passport...
I am so excited to see you...gah!
If I keep on thinking about it I may burst.

I have all kinds of plans to keep myself busy
these next few weeks...
but I know that Ill still consider you constantly.

you are lovely faith, in every which way...

I have to jet.
take care babe.

...

here is the e-mail I sent to him

"Darren,

Im in love with your sister.

Jae

(this started off much longer...but this was the only important bit)"


I hope thats alright babe.

the last

faith,

so much of this seems impossible...
for a boy that had given up on love.
but there it is, right in front of me...
I love you...and you love me.
wow.

Im coming to see you Faith...
I think it will be lovely

P.S. I sent that e-mail to Darren.

post script

I did talk to Christa tonight...
which was wonderful, if abit odd.

when I started to apologize for not having spoken
to her for so long and she stopped me:

"jae", she said,
"when 2 people have a connection...
they don't need contact to be apart of one anothers lives"

she explained this enough that it made sense to me...
it made me feel better about these next 7 weeks.

the rain has stopped now...
Im going to go for a walk in the puddles.

when we dance

Faith

I cant wait until you are the person I talk to...
instead of the person I talk about.

Right now, I cant think of anything Id rather do
than sit under a gazebo with you in this warm rain
thunderstorm...and talk...for hours.

Ill probably write you brother tonight...
Ill try my best not to make it obscene...

I wish that I could talk to you now...
just for a minute...to tell you that I love you...
(which means among other things that I will marry you if I can)
and wish you luck on your exam
(though Im sure you don;t need it)
I dont think you'll read this until after its done...
but know that before I went to bed tonight I prayed for you,
and thanked G-d for us.

I know that we wont get to talk very often (if at all) after this friday...
but Im so excited for all the extraordinary things your going to see and do!
oh I miss you babe, but your so worth the wait.

I talked to Christa Avram (I guess its Bonnell now) today...
for the first time in some time. I cant wait to catch up with her
and tell her all about you.

I suspect your night will be grand faith.

j

vaya con dios

alright...Im writing you again
but not because Im weak willed!
its because I wanted to.

Im not sure what to say...
I just miss you.

Im considering doing a guest column
every now and then...I have alot of...
interesting people that would love the
opportunity to write you.

some of them would no doubt tell
you what a mistake you'd made...
some would tell you horrible stories
that make me look very cool...
I mean, I would love it if one of your
friends wrote to tell me how much you adored me...
or how you once defeated a notorious asian gang
with nothing but a bar of chocolate and a pair of mixmatched socks.
anyway...Ill read over some of their ideas...

your leaving this saturday!
and it will be weeks until I get to talk to you.
I hope you dont mind, but Ill take the time
to come up with some ideas of where we can
go when you get back.
I know that it might not work out,
that you might have to work.
But it will give me something to do other than staring
off vaguely to the east;)

a walking poster boy for all thats good

I thought I would try writing earlier tonight...
Im really trying to get something...anything...done.
(story-wise)

Im not sure if you meant for me to reply...
but I couldnt help but consider some of the
things you said.

"I find it difficult to separate the person that
I am and want to become from the career I choose... "

I know what you mean...
or I understand something so similar
that I could have used your exact words.

hmm...I had this whole little rant worked
out where I contrasted the different ways that
cultures felt the self was defined...
using fancy foreign words like "varna" and "ashrama"

but Im not sure enough that it made sense...
not sure enough to write it out, and encourage you to read it.
hmm...maybe Ill write out a much shortened version.

I don't agree with the varna system in india...
but I do find the idea that
who we are decides
what we do
more compelling than the western
alternative.

nope...I dont like where this is going...
let me think about it for 55 days.

I think Ive mentioned it before, but Id love to get as
many e-mails from darren (or anyone else in your family)
as your willing to send me.
I hope you don't mind that I dont reciprocate...
my siblings swear like drunken sailors.

also...please...get your hopes up.
as far as Im concerned...you have every reason to.
I announced to several people today that I was staying
until December.
I mean to do so.
I have alot of reasons to stay here...
but I made most of them up today ;)

Id also like to warn you that if I have to go to Carls wedding
you have to come to Matt TS's with me.
(I think its late December...Im the best man...but you knew that)

alright...I go run now.

seriously...Nizlopi...I have to stop listening to it.



Im going to try not to write later...
but no promises.
I need to finish my not-so-good story.

I try to assume that we're going to be together for much time faith...
but some days that seems as rational as assuming Ill win the lottery...
;)
have the best of days!

the message

would it be strange if I wrote Darren?
well...I know it would be strange...
but would it be unacceptable?
Im not sure how comfortable you are
with me intergrating with your family...
I mean...what if they end up liking me,
more than they like you?

its possible I assure you...
my sisters speak much more highly of you,
then they do of me.

thats what made me see

i had to check if you were
online again before I left...


55 days.

this song isnt helping...
not at all.

to be fair, this is only the 3rd time
Ive been abit teary since you've been gone...

I feel like, getting it right.

its 1.35 my time...
I tried to go to bed,
but didnt quite make it.

I cant seem to work out how this
story should go...its all there I think
Im just having trouble making it
seem uncontrived...
I have been working on it though...
thats something.

did you tell everyone that Im no longer a bad boyfriend;)
feel free to use the words..."best ever"

Ive talked abit about the different kinds of missings...
most of the time its a general missingness...I miss you.
sometimes, its specific: I miss your laugh...or the way you smell...
or that cute intake of breath you do when your nervous...or the
way you look when your about to kiss me.
right now...I miss hugging you...alot.

song of the night is clearly "freedom" by nizlopi
its on that CD...somewhere towards the end.
their whole disc reminds me of you.

night swimming anyone?

ideal women

Faith!

thanks for calling me tonight...
I was wondering whether or not
the CD had arrived.

Its not perfect, but I think it
will be alright for the time being...
kindof like me.

I still cant believe that your in love with me!
Thank G-d for you and your foolishness.

have a wonderful day babe.

p.s. - Ill try and write out a list of the songs at some point.

...

I won't go.
not now.

it seemed so obvious to
me tonight.

Right now...
I want to spend some
time with you.

I will have to go someplace silly
before you convince me to marry you...
but there will be better times,
better places,
and better reasons.

I love you Faith.
Have a great day...
and a better night.

as for me and my house

its hot today...
too hot...

I kept trying to read out
by the pool (new book: Women in Love - DHL)
but kept on falling asleep...
the books good, I like the way he writes...
but I just get so tired under the sun.

Im not expecting you to call tonight...
but I hope that you do.
You owe this weekend some baking...
it conspired to make me miss you.

Im cooking again...
it doesnt seem fair to tell you about it
but if it turns out well...when you come
back Ill make it anytime you wish.

gather up these scattered blessings

it might have been 3 weeks ago
that a nice man named David
came into the the store and told me
that I should check out the church he goes to.

I havent been giving G-d enough of my time
this summer...drinking too much, praying to little...
(Its seldom been in large amounts, and I have a great
appreciation for wine and tequila...but I dont want it to
even become something that I do out of habit...
whatever those around me might be doing)
I've made alot of friends here (its easy for me to do)
and they are tres hipsters (in this town anyway)
but not a single one of them is a Christian...
and I get tired of being a cool kid.
I consider myself a fairly strong individual...
but its foolish to think that my consistently bad company
won't have some effect on me.
(though I also think that Ive had some good effect on them)

Thats why I went to church tonight...

I didn't know anyone there...I wasn't even
sure that I knew where it was...
I just knew I had to go...
I have so many excuses...p0-mo rhetoric
about the needlessness of actual church services...
that I dont need to go...that its a remnant of
a too old legalistic system...
its all bullshit really--
so I can sleep in on Sunday mornings.

It was good...good enough that Ill continue
to go until I leave here (whenever that may be)
and I thank G-d for it.

The pastor is not a great speaker,
and the church is, overall, just a touch more
experiencial than Id like...
but Ive been thinking TOO much lately...
it just felt so good to praise G-d.

I thought about you during the service...
I don't know what part G-d plays in making things
happen...like us starting to date for exampli
but I do believe that the goodness of our
relationship will be directly related to
how we are are relating to G-d.
I need to try harder...for G-d, for me, for us.


I didnt end up sitting alone for long of course...
I must have looked lonely.
After church I ended up in some
overcrowded hot-tub with a bunch of very friendly people...
chatting about theology and inseams.
All in all, an excellent night.

i love you babe...

heart in mind

still at work...
it has been the slow day.
but soon done.
where are you now I wonder?

gravity has got a hold on us all

work...boring
sunny outside
escape soon

all I can say is too much, too little

fire hydrants with faces...
better.

for some reason I went back
and read one of your old e-mails tonight...
and couldnt stop.

its a good thing you dont have a cell phone...
because I couldnt have helped but call.
oki. its 1.56am on Saturday the 11th of June
and I am 100% officially over the long distance thing ;)
its funny, as Ive started to look seriously
into attempting the Gap
(well, not seriously
it's just an excuse to write some
of my more interesting
contacts)
its not the guerillas that frighten me...
(though Im not crazy about 13 year olds with AK's)
its having to say goodbye to you in the airport again...
that was awful.
which means that I shouldn't go right?
I haven't quite figured that out yet...

Im not going to write much more about it...
most of the things Im hearing would just worry you--
and right now Im much, much more interested in hearing
about what your doing.

Thanks for taking the time to write me Faith.
I know that you don't have alot of time...
I know that sometimes you've had no time
and have written me anyway.
Its not necessary babe, but Im so grateful.
But I don't hear as much detail as Id like about anything...
when you get back we should spent a few days on a blanket
in the park catching up.

alright...
one of us should sleep tonight...
:)

praise be the hands that brought this to earth

I had one of those
nosleeptoomuchcoffee
dancingwitholdladiesinthestore
wheneasylikesundaymorningplayed.

We're watching Wonder Boys...
which Ive seen 2 times this year
and love...
then headed out to paint faces on
every fire hydrant in the city.

Your up right now...
Im sure.
Hair dyed some fabulous colour
that I would love.
Your weekend sounds lovely Faith...
though I do wish that some of it had
been spent with me ;)

I had abit of a makeover today...
my rockstar hair-dresser came home
and cut off abit of my hair
and I bought some new glasses
that a random girl told me looked hot.
(I hope that you think the same thing!)
Its not that much of a change,
Im just a cleaned up, sexier version of myself.
(Ill try and tone it down before you get back)

I received a note from Robert Young Pelton today
he's a journalist most famous for being with the
Special Forces in Afghanistan when they captured
John Lindh Walker... It was neat to hear from him.

Its so nice to be able to say that there are less than
2 months left until you step off the plane in Calgary...
less than 2 months is almost 1.

Im sure that your essay turned out wunderbar-fully.
You are so very hip Faith,
and Im so very proud to be associated with you.

I love you babe.
Im out to de-face public property now...

song of the night is clearly
easy like sunday morning by faith no more

I spoke to Laurae Woods tonight,
she sent me some engagement photos.
Shes getting married in August...
about the time you get back.
It seemed like such a short time to her.
That made me smile.

back again...

are we required to let the other know
when we've been drinking abit?
I dont think we should be...
the other person is bound to notice...

Kenn is off to New York for some big
theatre thingy...tonight was his going away party.
Jae loves tequila...
if you ever wanted to take advantage of me
all you would have to do is purchase a bottle of
Cabo Wabo Resposado and do that bitey lip thing.

At 11 o'clock things had become abit odd...
I excused myself and called my sisters to take me home.
I pride myself on being to relate to all kinds of people...
but tonight, I just didnt feel like it.
I just wanted to be with you.
or to talk with you or about you.
I like some of these people...I really do.
I could even say that I "love them to pieces"
but some of their friends, and their friends friends friends
I could do without.

mental note...drinking makes me miss you more.

I hope you were smiling before you read this,
and still are after your finished...
You worry too much babe...
let me do some of it for you.

I love this song...
for me, its part of our future
soundtrack. You'll hear me
humming it when you get back...
Im sure of it.

sigh...
I have some interesting friends...
When Kurt gets exciting he starts
to speak mostly in Spanish...
which I can only partially understand.
He has interesting ideas about love...
which I find interesting...but dont share.

Today was a busy day for alot of reasons.
There is a couple form Idaho that has done
several trips through the Gap and had published
a guide book on how to get through. They stopped
publishing it in 2004...and dont seem to want to talk to me...
Im trying to get enough people together for them to
reprint it...so far...so good.

hmm...maybe you dont want to hear about such things.
Im sorry. I dont know what to do.
But if I am going to do such foolishness.
I should do them before decide that you want
to keep me.

maybe we should pretend that Im not going to go...
and that your not gone. maybe...just for awhile
ill pretend that I get to see you tomorrow.

When is school done there Faith?
What countries are you seeing?
When are you in Berlin?
When are you going to talk to me next?

I wonder at least once a week about what
its going to be like to have our families in the
same room...I mean...our whole families...
(including Carl)

Im so glad that he's getting married.
Can I assume that I get to be your plus 1?
I promise to clean up...a little...
I also cant wait to meet your brother and
your babies :)

Gah I miss you.

Song of the night will remain
unnamed for the time being.
But its good.
real good.

how bright the sky

my mother likes you faith...alot

while sitting at the dinner table tonight
she suggested that instead of my going to
Colombia this fall...I wait until next summer
and rent a little Villa on a coastal spanish town...
with you.

I have a feeling that your parents
wouldnt be so enthusiastic ;)

Im jetting out for the night.
(though I know Ill write later)
I hope the Rocky Horror Picture show was lovely.

You seemed a little stressed this morning.
I know that I can;t be there with you...
but I can pray for you.

a northern sky

there is no way that I could let
that be the only thing I wrote today.

what a difference talking to you made...
I had to make myself stop smiling
because my face was starting to hurt.

I have some things I have to work on tonight...
so this will be short.
But I wanted to thank-you...

It might make you feel better to know
that Jeremy is less interested in going
unless we are going to do the gap...
which Im not really interested in.
not really. oki, kinda.
but
right now Im thinking I should stay
in regina until december and save up
money so we can go to africa.
does that sound better?

Really, I dont want to go anywhere that your not.

...

I want to cry.
Justina, the girl that my brother
dated for 7 years, came into the store
today.
She's been traveling around the world
for the last 19 months--
we always kinda assumed they would
get back together...
but apparently...she got married last month.
my mother almost cried right there.
my sister cried in the car when I told her.
All I can think about is my brother.

all that Ive missed

"theres a box of things in the basement"
my mom said.
"I think they're yours"

and they were.
I keep things, you know,
silly things.

lots of them were in this box.
I wont bother going through all of it.
Lots of letters I didnt send...
lots of stories I started and didnt finish well.
I counted them up though and can say without
a doubt...that I have never written anyone more than you.
Interesting to go back and read my mind.

It seems I might have some news for you tomorrow,
depending on how some phone calls go.
Im not sure what I want to happen.
Im feeling abit overwhelmed tonight.
I wish you were here,
so you could hug me and tell me
that everything was/will be alright.

Which of course...it will.

I have this whole rant on love
and postmodernity (whatever that means)
that Im working out...
it took up alot of CPU time today.
imagine if John Donne had to write now...
what was romantic, is now unbalanced...

Was the play wonderful?
I hope so.
Will you have your own appartment in Berlin?

I did get cookies today...
they werent very good,
but It annoyed my sister
and that made them awesome.

peoples minds werent built for the comprehension
of largeness--at a certain point things overwhelm us
and become just numbers.
(only in comparison to one another do the distances
between the stars seem different to me)
most of the time 7000 miles is just a number
tonight I know exactly how far it is...

well, not really.
but I thought it sounded neat.

2 months tomorrow.
That seems so long ago.
Time like toffee,
all stretched out
and sweet.

Its 2. am.
and I promised my alter-ego
that Id go play in dreamland abit
longer tonight.
It is, as far as I know, the fastest way to Germany.

Remember that Garreth takes over tomorrow...
at least for a little bit.
Im reminding you do you dont think Ive had a stroke.
He's not a very good typer...but he does know the
difference between "your" y "you're"

I had a little musical love affair with Jellyfish today.
It was exactly what I wanted to listen to.
they increase the size of my sighs...
but in that good way.

So good. So good.
I believe it to be some of the best pop
music ever. Top 25 bands all time.
You won't like them, and thats alright.
Song of the night is everything off of Spilt Milk
except for He's My Best Friend.


Enough with this late night existentialism
(theistic mind you, but still)

Im just going to listen to these 2 songs once more...

Good Afternoon Babe.

G-d's gift to Oxygen

well, there you are.

before I start off with todays palabras
(is that even a word!?)
I have an interjection

I love that you wrote me 4 times today.
But I have to say that I feel abit guilty
about potentially making you feel guilty.
I was joking, which Im sure you knew...
and you've made it very clear that its not
the quantity of my writings that make
you write less, but the quality...

This gave me an idea.
I have hired a 9 year old boy named Garreth
(who is as cute as not 1, but 2 buttons)
In exchange for 5 dollars and the occasional
chocolate dip cone, Garreth has agreed to
come over to my house and after carefully
listening to what it is I want to tell you
type it out for me...in his own words.

I will never be Sad to get e-mails from you faith,
but I hope you know that its not a competition.
What is a competition is how much you'll write me
when IM gone someplace, sometime...

It wasnt that I was numb this morning--
it was that I couldnt move...
or rather...that I was suprised when I could.
The wall between my conscious and un has a door
thats wide open in the morning. Things wander back and
forth as they please.
I should warn you that I have accused people of saying things
they havent ever said...outside of my grey-matter.
(there are usually clues in the memory--Bj has, as far as I know,
never dressed up as a giant penguin and beaten me with foam bats)

Oki, one story, and then I go.
Thats probably a lie.

I went to go see Talis today.
I needed something,
and I wanted to talk to him.
He is a wise, and intelligent.
I may have mentioned that Germany
had stolen my girlfriend.
"Germany", he said, "I like it there"
He's an idiot.
He proceded to tell me a story
that helped me explain what you both
like so much about it.
Ask me later and Ill tell you about it.
(its chalked full of neo-nazis,
with a suprise ending)

I have all kinds of conversations going on.
Some of which are important.

more later.