it travels fast

I received this e-mail this morning
I thought it was hip enough to pass on...

""
[darn!] [I hear your] finally going to [Germany]
This thing you have blows me away every day, and well, I'm jealous.
Tus historias seran mias un dia....
take care, [darn] you!
I am enraged with happinesssss for you!!!!!

peace bro
Kurt

""

I edited it abit...you know...in case your mom reads this.
(hi Mrs. Gustafson)

10 more times to miss you

its still warm
usually at night the all streets are asleep
but the thunder had woke them
and the lightning had pushed them outside
to sit on sidewalks and watch the storm...

I was about half way home when it started to rain...
I hope it rains when Im there faith...warm like it was tonight...

I go bed...soon...

there is a whole crowd of people here...
looking over my shoulder...
they take shelter from the storm

all that noise

faith,

I get some interesting phonecalls occasionally
(though Im almost always dissappointed that its not you)

tonight it was dean,
who has just come back from sicily...
and is, I think...in love.

he wanted someone to listen...
about how he had fallen for this girl
when he least expected it...
how he was afraid of the distance
and how it would effect their relationship

when it came time for me to comment...
I told him that it was difficult...
but worth it...if she was...

you so are faith.

the party was fine...
I broke a large glass ball...
with a large rubber ball...

i spend abit of the night being terribly nice
to this Thai boy...friend of my sisters...
the one that has the mansion in Thailand...

I thought that we could go visit him somtime...
and he's agreed to teach me some thai food secrets...
I go run now.

I dont know where you are now faith...
but I hope its beautiful.

I love you babe...
thanks for your patience

the hotness

its 32 here today...
and it rained last night...
so the air is thick, and sticky.

the solution is obvious...
POOL PARTY!
(people are arriving just now)

oh faith, I went and bought my
ticket this morning...
started the process to get my new
passport...
I am so excited to see you...gah!
If I keep on thinking about it I may burst.

I have all kinds of plans to keep myself busy
these next few weeks...
but I know that Ill still consider you constantly.

you are lovely faith, in every which way...

I have to jet.
take care babe.

...

here is the e-mail I sent to him

"Darren,

Im in love with your sister.

Jae

(this started off much longer...but this was the only important bit)"


I hope thats alright babe.

the last

faith,

so much of this seems impossible...
for a boy that had given up on love.
but there it is, right in front of me...
I love you...and you love me.
wow.

Im coming to see you Faith...
I think it will be lovely

P.S. I sent that e-mail to Darren.

post script

I did talk to Christa tonight...
which was wonderful, if abit odd.

when I started to apologize for not having spoken
to her for so long and she stopped me:

"jae", she said,
"when 2 people have a connection...
they don't need contact to be apart of one anothers lives"

she explained this enough that it made sense to me...
it made me feel better about these next 7 weeks.

the rain has stopped now...
Im going to go for a walk in the puddles.

when we dance

Faith

I cant wait until you are the person I talk to...
instead of the person I talk about.

Right now, I cant think of anything Id rather do
than sit under a gazebo with you in this warm rain
thunderstorm...and talk...for hours.

Ill probably write you brother tonight...
Ill try my best not to make it obscene...

I wish that I could talk to you now...
just for a minute...to tell you that I love you...
(which means among other things that I will marry you if I can)
and wish you luck on your exam
(though Im sure you don;t need it)
I dont think you'll read this until after its done...
but know that before I went to bed tonight I prayed for you,
and thanked G-d for us.

I know that we wont get to talk very often (if at all) after this friday...
but Im so excited for all the extraordinary things your going to see and do!
oh I miss you babe, but your so worth the wait.

I talked to Christa Avram (I guess its Bonnell now) today...
for the first time in some time. I cant wait to catch up with her
and tell her all about you.

I suspect your night will be grand faith.

j

vaya con dios

alright...Im writing you again
but not because Im weak willed!
its because I wanted to.

Im not sure what to say...
I just miss you.

Im considering doing a guest column
every now and then...I have alot of...
interesting people that would love the
opportunity to write you.

some of them would no doubt tell
you what a mistake you'd made...
some would tell you horrible stories
that make me look very cool...
I mean, I would love it if one of your
friends wrote to tell me how much you adored me...
or how you once defeated a notorious asian gang
with nothing but a bar of chocolate and a pair of mixmatched socks.
anyway...Ill read over some of their ideas...

your leaving this saturday!
and it will be weeks until I get to talk to you.
I hope you dont mind, but Ill take the time
to come up with some ideas of where we can
go when you get back.
I know that it might not work out,
that you might have to work.
But it will give me something to do other than staring
off vaguely to the east;)

a walking poster boy for all thats good

I thought I would try writing earlier tonight...
Im really trying to get something...anything...done.
(story-wise)

Im not sure if you meant for me to reply...
but I couldnt help but consider some of the
things you said.

"I find it difficult to separate the person that
I am and want to become from the career I choose... "

I know what you mean...
or I understand something so similar
that I could have used your exact words.

hmm...I had this whole little rant worked
out where I contrasted the different ways that
cultures felt the self was defined...
using fancy foreign words like "varna" and "ashrama"

but Im not sure enough that it made sense...
not sure enough to write it out, and encourage you to read it.
hmm...maybe Ill write out a much shortened version.

I don't agree with the varna system in india...
but I do find the idea that
who we are decides
what we do
more compelling than the western
alternative.

nope...I dont like where this is going...
let me think about it for 55 days.

I think Ive mentioned it before, but Id love to get as
many e-mails from darren (or anyone else in your family)
as your willing to send me.
I hope you don't mind that I dont reciprocate...
my siblings swear like drunken sailors.

also...please...get your hopes up.
as far as Im concerned...you have every reason to.
I announced to several people today that I was staying
until December.
I mean to do so.
I have alot of reasons to stay here...
but I made most of them up today ;)

Id also like to warn you that if I have to go to Carls wedding
you have to come to Matt TS's with me.
(I think its late December...Im the best man...but you knew that)

alright...I go run now.

seriously...Nizlopi...I have to stop listening to it.



Im going to try not to write later...
but no promises.
I need to finish my not-so-good story.

I try to assume that we're going to be together for much time faith...
but some days that seems as rational as assuming Ill win the lottery...
;)
have the best of days!

the message

would it be strange if I wrote Darren?
well...I know it would be strange...
but would it be unacceptable?
Im not sure how comfortable you are
with me intergrating with your family...
I mean...what if they end up liking me,
more than they like you?

its possible I assure you...
my sisters speak much more highly of you,
then they do of me.

thats what made me see

i had to check if you were
online again before I left...


55 days.

this song isnt helping...
not at all.

to be fair, this is only the 3rd time
Ive been abit teary since you've been gone...

I feel like, getting it right.

its 1.35 my time...
I tried to go to bed,
but didnt quite make it.

I cant seem to work out how this
story should go...its all there I think
Im just having trouble making it
seem uncontrived...
I have been working on it though...
thats something.

did you tell everyone that Im no longer a bad boyfriend;)
feel free to use the words..."best ever"

Ive talked abit about the different kinds of missings...
most of the time its a general missingness...I miss you.
sometimes, its specific: I miss your laugh...or the way you smell...
or that cute intake of breath you do when your nervous...or the
way you look when your about to kiss me.
right now...I miss hugging you...alot.

song of the night is clearly "freedom" by nizlopi
its on that CD...somewhere towards the end.
their whole disc reminds me of you.

night swimming anyone?

ideal women

Faith!

thanks for calling me tonight...
I was wondering whether or not
the CD had arrived.

Its not perfect, but I think it
will be alright for the time being...
kindof like me.

I still cant believe that your in love with me!
Thank G-d for you and your foolishness.

have a wonderful day babe.

p.s. - Ill try and write out a list of the songs at some point.

...

I won't go.
not now.

it seemed so obvious to
me tonight.

Right now...
I want to spend some
time with you.

I will have to go someplace silly
before you convince me to marry you...
but there will be better times,
better places,
and better reasons.

I love you Faith.
Have a great day...
and a better night.

as for me and my house

its hot today...
too hot...

I kept trying to read out
by the pool (new book: Women in Love - DHL)
but kept on falling asleep...
the books good, I like the way he writes...
but I just get so tired under the sun.

Im not expecting you to call tonight...
but I hope that you do.
You owe this weekend some baking...
it conspired to make me miss you.

Im cooking again...
it doesnt seem fair to tell you about it
but if it turns out well...when you come
back Ill make it anytime you wish.

gather up these scattered blessings

it might have been 3 weeks ago
that a nice man named David
came into the the store and told me
that I should check out the church he goes to.

I havent been giving G-d enough of my time
this summer...drinking too much, praying to little...
(Its seldom been in large amounts, and I have a great
appreciation for wine and tequila...but I dont want it to
even become something that I do out of habit...
whatever those around me might be doing)
I've made alot of friends here (its easy for me to do)
and they are tres hipsters (in this town anyway)
but not a single one of them is a Christian...
and I get tired of being a cool kid.
I consider myself a fairly strong individual...
but its foolish to think that my consistently bad company
won't have some effect on me.
(though I also think that Ive had some good effect on them)

Thats why I went to church tonight...

I didn't know anyone there...I wasn't even
sure that I knew where it was...
I just knew I had to go...
I have so many excuses...p0-mo rhetoric
about the needlessness of actual church services...
that I dont need to go...that its a remnant of
a too old legalistic system...
its all bullshit really--
so I can sleep in on Sunday mornings.

It was good...good enough that Ill continue
to go until I leave here (whenever that may be)
and I thank G-d for it.

The pastor is not a great speaker,
and the church is, overall, just a touch more
experiencial than Id like...
but Ive been thinking TOO much lately...
it just felt so good to praise G-d.

I thought about you during the service...
I don't know what part G-d plays in making things
happen...like us starting to date for exampli
but I do believe that the goodness of our
relationship will be directly related to
how we are are relating to G-d.
I need to try harder...for G-d, for me, for us.


I didnt end up sitting alone for long of course...
I must have looked lonely.
After church I ended up in some
overcrowded hot-tub with a bunch of very friendly people...
chatting about theology and inseams.
All in all, an excellent night.

i love you babe...

heart in mind

still at work...
it has been the slow day.
but soon done.
where are you now I wonder?